Remembering

Link to Mama Marian's Obituary and Guest Book

It has been a week and a half since Mama Marian died and I think that we are all in a mixed state of shock, grief, desperation, relief for her peace, and at a loss of what to do and where to go now. I would be lying if I said otherwise. The free fall was too fast but, at the same time, not fast enough. I still cannot think of the last few months without wanting to crawl out of my own ski, but memories of the Mom I knew for 28 years continues to amaze me with her presence. If I think too hard or try to analyze what/where she is these days, what is my need to cling to her versus her actual warmth and guardianship, etc... it slides away and the inconsolable feeling of loss returns. And thus, being present becomes more important than it ever has been; in fact, I am beginning to wonder if it is a tool for survival at least for now.

Friends, family, neighbors, co-workers, and friends of these people have been overwhelmingly supportive in the last year, especially throughout the last couple of weeks. I cannot say enough how grateful and amazed I am by so many of you. Mary T was at the forefront in organizing, preparing, and delegating (though I do believe she mostly delegated herself) for Mom's memorial celebration of life. I will probably live out the rest of my own life in debt to her for making Tuesday evening the best it could possibly be in honor of Mom and for all of us. And everyone who came, was involved, or helped us take care of, support, and remember Mom (and/or ourselves!) gave us a gift that will be forever treasured. Thank you again... for all of the everything you are, have done, and continue to do for us.

Dad did something for which I would like to take credit, but sadly cannot. In the midst of being showered with flowers, chocolate covered fruit baskets, plants, pies, entrees, and breakfast foods, he was able to reach out to a few people to ask for their memories in lieu of further donations and flowers. As the nine people in our house did a very thorough job of working our way through a refrigerator and counter-full of food, we began receiving some cards, emails, etc... of the memories of Mama Marian that people around us have shared. Over the last couple of days, these memories have made us smile, cry all over again, laugh, and feel closer to Mom than we have in some time... the old Mom, before the illness, before all of the pain and the cruel deterioration of life.

And so, I would like to be so bold as to ask for something more, if you are able. We would love to have more of this type of remembrance. I feel selfish in asking for more at a time when the people around us have given so much, but I fear that memories will be lost or colored with time and I can't think of a better time to be able to ask so many people something so important to me. Please feel free to write or share something... brief, long-winded, pictures, stories, etc... and do so in a way that you find most suitable, whether it be email, a blog comment, an online obituary guestbook entry, snail mail, or in person. I am touched by the many people with whom we have shared her over the years (or vice-versa in many cases!) and would so greatly appreciate your words as well.

In looking through Mama Marian's college notebooks, letters, and other memories yesterday I found a poem by Tennyson she had scribbled on the front of an envelope. I like to believe it was her way of reminding and supporting us in some of our darker moments.

I hold it true, whate'er befall;
I feel it, when I sorrow most;
'Tis better to have loved and lost
Than never to have loved at all.