I can't stand this anymore. I cried so hard on the way home tonight that my nose bled all over... and then my contact got balled up and lodged in the back of my eye. And the dog's been whining ever since I got home but I can't stop crying. I'm a big mess and nothing makes it any better. You're the one person I want to talk to, to sob all over, to hug me and tell me "this too shall pass". Mom, where are you???? I hate that I'm so alone, that everything feels so small, like it will never be enough, it will never be you. I don't know what to do with myself on these days. I'm trying to keep busy... working, going to the gym, planning this wedding... but the quiet and the emptiness squeeze themselves right on in between. And I remember the realness, the permanence, the absolute heartache of the hole you left behind. I can't believe you're gone. I can't believe I don't have a mom. My days are filled with constant reminders of you and us. I'm trying so hard to remember how lucky I am to have had a mom like you... but it's not enough sometimes and I can't help but fall apart.
You were too big, too important to just disappear. You were too much of my everything to just suddenly not be. I've lived for so long just knowing you'd be there; I never had to wonder what would happen when you wouldn't be anymore. And, even if I had, there was time left... plenty of time... for you to be at my wedding and at the birth of my children, for us to snuggle under the Christmas tree on Christmas night like we've always done, for three hour long phone calls and the annual "girl's weekend" in DC, for life and everything that is left to see and do. I look back on pictures of us just a little over a year ago and am so jealous of those people. I want that life back more than anything I've ever wanted. And the frustration of it all just comes back around when I realize once again that there isn't a thing i can do about it.
I'm going to keep on doing everything I can to heal, to keep on living, just like I promised I would. But this is really hard, Mom and I miss you with every part of myself.
