Things seem a bit upside down, I must say. It's been raining for days and days and days and... yeah, for a while now. There's too much darkness and too much gloominess for any time of year, let alone May. Where are the new beginnings, early morning birds singing, warm spring afternoons?
Mama Marian has always comforted me with the words "this too shall pass". No matter how badly things seemed or felt, that phrase has been able to adjust things just so... in a way that makes them a bit more bearable. It helps me to readjust my focus and to remember that problems are just a part of the process, segments of a journey, parts of a greater whole.
This may sound naive and sheltered, but this is truly the first time in my life I have ever seriously doubted that something will pass. And I realized today how much that fear can paralyze a person. Of course the sun will come out again and of course the rain will come to an end, but we won't see it until the fear of its permanence can be released. Sometimes we get so stuck in our thoughts, in our perceptions of things, that we force time to stand still and resist the very changes we want so badly by doing so.
I have to apologize to my mom for my past couple of posts and for the way I've been for the last week. I think that terror, that frozen-in-time fear rooted its way inward recently and led me to say and do some things I regret. Thankfully, the nature of the blog world permits you to edit things out, but the surrounding universe is not quite the same. Last week was hard, really hard, and I am sorry for saying some things I should not have; for telling stories about how things were in a light-hearted way that, at the time, made things feel a bit less scary.
The physical changes and losses along this journey are painful and sometimes gut-wrenching to see and to think about, but the mental/emotional pieces that are so much of who my mom is and has always been... the idea of that being changed forever feels unbearable. The fear of it and everything else, however, makes itself into a little shell around everything frightening and prevents the clouds from breaking away and letting the sun in sometimes.
Anyway, Mama Marian has been on the Lamictal for almost a week now and, although she is still noticing some seizure activity, it is less and she is beginning to sound more like herself on the phone. She goes to Boston tomorrow morning for another Avastin infusion and appointment with Dr. Drappatz and Dr. Wagle (Tail). The tumor is smaller and so they will not be doing another MRI for a few weeks now. In the meantime, Mama Marian is busy again with home-based PT, OT, and home health. She and Dad are planning on visiting over the weekend of the 22nd and we are going to see Garrison Keillor at Wolf Trap, just like we did five years ago for what Mom calls "our first date with Jody" (aka- meet the parents). AND... we have reservations for Chincoteague this summer! We found a perfect handicapped accessible house on the water with a huge deck and even a separate room for the very grown up two-year-old Lorien!
So, I won't wait around grumbling anymore about the weather and I will trust that it, along with some other things, will pass. The sun will be more than welcome upon its return to the East Coast when it does show its face again I will keep my eyes open for it. And tonight I may even enjoy a good night sleep with the rain pouring off the roof!
