Tuesday, August 11th- Day 11 at UCONN

Mama Marian had a great day yesterday. Really, it was a great day. For the first time in weeks, I felt like maybe this would all get a little less horrible. Mom had visitors galore yesterday; many of whom stopped by while she was sleeping. Yes, sleeping, I said. She slept from 4am to 8am then from 10:30am to 3:15pm. And when she awoke, my mom was back for a bit. She was more lucid than she has been in 11 or 12 days, was not in pain, and was able to express herself more clearly.

Arnie visited first, then Judy M., then Mary T. Mom slept through them all. Then May and Heidi came around 1pm and watched the beautiful sleep/snore of Mama Marian until the sitter (Igor the Viking, I have named him) woke her up to change the bedding. She was in such a good mood and delighted to see her visitors! Around 5pm or so Hersch arrived and then around 6 Andrea came. Although Igor did not take as much pleasure in our little gathering, Mama Marian was the best I have seen her in weeks. She even ate her entire grilled cheese sandwich, with some added forcefulness by the Viking!

Last night Mom was tearful while talking with us and admitted that she is still very afraid to die. She acknowledged that she feels safest in the hospital setting (that was definitely news to me!) and that she does not feel like she can come home now. And then she asked me to come and live with her "for 100 years". I told her that I would.

Dad visited in the evening and had some time with Mom before she fell asleep around 9pm. She had been out of restraints for the majority of the day.

However, this morning I returned around 7am and found her back in the mesh, strappy vest (fashion statement, indeed) and leg restraints. Apparently she had refused her nightime medications and they decided to give them to her via injection and IV. It was not a nice night for Mom and she did not get any more rest afterward. After I arrived, though, the strappy vest was unzipped and returned to its spot on the sill and the blue leg cuffs were admonished from the room, hopefully not to return.

Today was another pretty good day for Mama Marian and I am hoping that she has a peaceful evening. Maybe I will go back to see her around med-time and see if she might take her pills for me like she did this morning and has on many other occasions. We've coined it, "the pill machine", as Mom is a champ at taking multiple, large pills in one giant swallow and I help her by tossing them down her throat and then getting her to chase down some water. She always giggles about it before and after with a disgusted expression in between when she gets a taste of that plastic pill chalkiness.

We are looking at a place called The Hebrew Home in West Hartford. It is about 25 minutes from home and Mom could do Hospice there with some extra supervision for some of her wilder, more expressive behaviors. Mama Marian told me this morning that she heard this "awful woman yelling" this morning and the screams were "coming from the basement". After a subtle pause she informed me that it was, in fact, her who was yelling. I must admit, I was not surprised. She has an odd awareness of things that she does or things that have taken place, whether real, imaginary, or simply products of dreamland. We spent a good deal of yesterday reinforcing that May and Hersch did not die while on vacation and that Dad did not have an extra-marital affair with a woman at Brown Elementary School while he was a student there.

The family room downstairs is almost done. Putt and another worker have been at the house daily for about a week now and they have done an incredible job. I update Mama Marian daily on my bird sightings, though most of them I only know by coloring and size. My favorite brand of feeder bird is the "tufted tit mouse" and I have been spying on them regularly from the kitchen window. Maybe Mom will get a room with a window and she can educate me further on the avian species. In the meantime, I continue to make hummingbird food for her feeders and Dad gets the giant pole with a coffee can attached out every couple of days to pile seed into the bear/raccoon/squirrel/people-proof feeder in our backyard. I'm also trying to keep the house plants watered... even the stupid orchids that just sit there refusing to sprout a thing for me.

I miss Mama Marian and am trying to come to terms with "how things are today" instead of getting all stuck in what was and what I hope will be. It's not easy in the least, but I find myself laughing at things she would appreciate, taking joy in what she has always delighted in so simply, and being thankful for our family and extended families everywhere.